The Sound Relationship House is a fundamental theory introduced and developed by Dr. John Gottman. Essentially, it states that a strong relationship is like a house. It includes load-bearing pillars and a foundation that help couples build a strong bond. This structure, called the Sound Relationship House, has provided many couples with the foundations they need for long-lasting, happy, and healthy relationships. Trust and commitment form the walls of this house, and these walls allow the other blocks to stay together. Accordingly, in a strong and healthy relationship, partners trust each other and promise to remain committed to one another (The Gottman Institute, 2020a).
The Gottman Sound Relationship House helps couples manage their marriages and improve their problem-solving skills. These skills help couples become more harmonious in their relationships while also helping them achieve emotional stability and a peaceful life.
How Effective Is the Sound Relationship House Theory?
The Sound Relationship House theory was developed as a result of decades of work. Throughout his 40-year career, Gottman conducted hundreds of empirical studies with more than 3,000 couples. Together with his colleague Robert Levenson, Gottman discovered that the way couples interact determines whether marriages end in divorce or success.
Although every couple has different disagreements and negative encounters, Gottman discovered that how couples handle conflicts and the emotions they display ultimately affect the success and longevity of their marriages.
In 1994, as a result of their work, Dr. John Gottman and his wife, clinical psychologist Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, began developing the Sound Relationship House (SRH) theory and interventions. The Sound Relationship House can be described as one of the greatest contributions of Gottman couples therapy to the literature. It describes a seven-level structure that should exist in a successful relationship. Each of these levels represents a specific aspect of the relationship. This core theory of The Gottman Institute provides couples with the tools they need to have a healthy and secure relationship.
The Sound Relationship House Theory is built on seven levels and two pillars. The two pillars that keep the house standing are Trust and Commitment. In his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John Gottman shares seven principles connected to each level or floor of the Sound Relationship House. These seven floors or levels are:
• Build Love Maps
• Share Fondness and Admiration
• Turn Toward Instead of Away
• The Positive Perspective
• Manage Conflict
• Make Life Dreams Come True
• Create Shared Meaning
Ways to Apply the Sound Relationship House Theory in Your Marriage
To apply this theory to your daily marriage, it is useful to explore each of its principles more deeply. Let’s start with the two walls of the Sound Relationship House: “Trust and Commitment.”
Trust is when you feel that your partner has your best interests at heart and acts in a way that benefits you. Trust means accepting that your partner cares about your wants and needs at least as much as their own. Simply put, it is the belief that “my spouse has my back and is always by my side.”
In your relationship, it is important to establish trust by using these five methods:
• Make the reliability of your relationship your greatest concern.
• Make an effort to improve your partner’s well-being.
• Accept that trust is built over time and through small, positive moments.
• Avoid negative comparisons.
• Create a pattern of thought and action that highlights your partner’s excellent qualities while minimizing your focus on their flaws.
Commitment, on the other hand, means accepting and acting as though the relationship is a lifelong journey and staying together for better or worse. If couples are committed, they focus on working on their relationship instead of magnifying each other’s mistakes or negative qualities. It also helps them avoid resentment through negative comparisons. The wall of commitment includes:
• Valuing your partner’s positive qualities,
• Developing an attitude of gratitude for what you have with this person,
• And comparing them positively with real or imaginary others.
Now, the seven floors of the Sound Relationship House theory are where things become more specific. Here are the ways you can apply the meaning of these floors to your relationship.
1. Know Each Other’s Inner World (Build Love Maps)
As a couple, you should be able to give each other a roadmap of who you are: what makes you happy, angry, sad, worried, and everything in between. This forms the first floor of the Sound Relationship House Theory: couples should know each other’s inner psychological worlds.
Pay attention to your partner’s world. This includes their worries, tensions, joys, and dreams. When building love maps, every twist and turn is a chance to get to know your spouse better. This is more than just asking questions; it means being interested in their ever-changing moods, emotions, and preferences. It is about introducing yourselves to each other and creating directions to reach your goals.
2. Be Your Partner’s Cheerleader (Share Fondness and Admiration)
Relationships usually begin easily. Attraction, intimacy, and the romance that turns into a happily-ever-after marriage begin sincerely. However, after couples marry and this romantic period ends, they face the reality that they must work on their relationship.
This floor creates the foundation that allows couples to be appreciated for who they truly are. They must learn to show admiration and respect for each other not only as spouses but also as individuals. Instead of looking at your spouse’s flaws in your marriage, focus on what they do right and compliment them for it. This nurtures a culture of gratitude, warmth, affection, and respect.
3. Accept Your Partner’s Emotional Bids (Turn Toward Instead of Away)
This floor is about recognizing your spouse’s needs and being able to act on them. Whether your partner is seeking attention, affection, or comfort, the other partner should respond appropriately, and vice versa. At this stage, it is important to learn to accept emotional bids for connection and not disappoint the other person. Whether intimacy comes in the form of a late-night conversation or a simple hug, this helps you establish that you are an energizing and great source of happiness for your partner.
Whenever you feel that you are in a stressful situation, it is important to turn toward your partner instead of turning away, and in return, your partner should be the one who accepts this bid. In a relationship, even the smallest daily events are opportunities to turn toward each other. For example, if your spouse had a bad day at work, it is important to comfort and listen to them, even if your day was worse. It is vital to establish that you have each other’s backs and to let them know that they are your safe haven.
4. Allow Your Partner to Influence You (The Positive Perspective)
Couples should always perceive each other in a positive light. In this way, they can allow each other to influence them in a better direction. This means seeing your partner as an important part of your daily life and accepting that their opinions and preferences matter. It also means recognizing that even if you see things differently, their perspective is important enough for you to listen to and consider.
To be able to view each other from a positive perspective, couples should see their partner’s mistakes as resulting from circumstances rather than personal failures. This helps build the foundation of friendship in a marriage. When your friendship is strong, you will see each other as valuable teammates you can rely on.
5. Understand Your Partner While Coping with Change (Manage Conflict)
Interpersonal disagreement is natural and even contains functionally useful components. It is important to know how to manage conflicts before trying to resolve them. This floor encourages couples to better love and understand their partners, cope with change, and renew their romance despite disagreements and misunderstandings.
Conflict is unavoidable in marriage. That is why couples must be able to figure out how to manage it. Here is a three-step method you can use when dealing with conflict in your marriage:
1. Start considering each other’s emotions. Observe how your partner reacts to conflict.
2. Communication is always important. Couples should openly talk to each other about their problems.
3. If one person becomes overwhelmed during an argument, they should learn to maintain their composure.
6. Encourage Your Partner’s Life Goals (Make Life Dreams Come True)
Your partner should know what your biggest dream in life is, and you should be able to share it with them without fear of judgment. Knowing and accepting this early in your marriage is very important because it is one of the things that makes a person feel happy and complete as an individual. As a partner, you should be able to support and encourage your better half’s aspirations in life, whether they are for both of you, your family, or themselves.
Often, individuals who marry early still long to realize the dreams they set aside because of marriage, motherhood, or fatherhood. However, it is not too late to find strategies to help each other achieve life goals. Create an environment where each individual can speak honestly about their dreams and aspirations in life. It is important to move forward on this path and build these dreams together around your life. Some couples may see their dreams as different on the surface, but when you go deeper, you may realize that these dreams have similarities and a shared purpose.
7. Build Romantic Rituals Together (Create Shared Meaning)
The final and top floor in Gottman’s Sound Relationship House suggests creating shared meaning through rituals, stories, roles, and goals as a couple. This will help you create a shared purpose in your relationship. In this way, couples can be more giving, respectful, and patient toward each other. The purpose of this level is to create shared meaning by discussing things such as:
• Rituals of connection, both formal and informal
• Shared goals
• Providing support for each other’s life roles
• Agreeing on basic symbols such as home, money, sex, and time together/apart.
Let’s say one of you is crazy about romantic movies; it is important to create a ritual you can share with them. For example, going on romantic movie dates every Friday. Having these things that only the two of you share adds exclusivity to your relationship and helps you feel more comfortable doing things together. The same applies to sharing common goals, roles, and symbols.
The Sound Relationship House Theory helps couples manage their marriages and improve their problem-solving skills. All these floors and walls help couples learn more about each other, build a stronger bond, and have a deeper and more rewarding relationship.
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